Sunday musings
As the year continues the roller-coaster rolls on, and I expect nothing less. Perhaps there's a better acceptance of the ebb and flow of life, a permission to turn inward and grow quiet when the trickier parts of life and existence creep up on you. So that weird feeling I had at the start of the year didn't go away, and months later it was brought to my attention that my nervous system was shutting down. I was balancing on the edge of a dark precipice of depression and I didn't notice me shrinking into a slug as I tried to keep my footing. A sad-clown space-cadet was how I described myself to my friends. It's so easy to flirt with this unstable edge and still think your ok when you are being mum, carrying the mental load, trying to keep your tank full and build your career and skills, be there for your family and friends. I am sooo much better at moving with my seasons and giving myself time and space to process, but sometimes one's own guilt and denial and expectations take the wheel - you have a vision, a place to get to, and this feeling isn't every day or easily named, so you just keep on going.
Turns out my past trauma was being triggered and my body was trying to protect me. And then I got a chronic health diagnosis I was expecting but didn't want. And then the universe forced me to rest when I got that virus and a mean sinusitis to boot. And with the help of some beautiful friends looking from the outside in, I could finally name the weird feeling.
Grief had been trying to find a way out of my body but I was trying so hard to keep my shit together, however no roads led to rome or anywhere else, as I had been too busy unconsciously setting up emotional road blocks and wondering why I wasn't getting anywhere. There's a sweet relief when things just click and your focus zooms out. I spent a week allowing myself to process, just crying whenever I needed to, resting when I could get it, talking with my friends, finding some easy practical tasks to help move forward and tackle some big things, and then all of a sudden, I felt better. The solar eclipse came and went, and a whole different person showed up. The wheel moves with less friction and I see me in my reflection again. Thank fuck.
You may wonder why I share these parts of me on my art page, but my creativity is intertwined with my life - painting is a part of the integration of the parts of life I don't understand and the person I want to be in this lifetime and sharing that so that others may not feel completely alone. I hope you are doing whatever it is you need on this marvellous Sunday.
